Weird things that didn't make the cut

My time in the states is running out. In spite of all my bitching about the strange things Americans do the last five months have been some of the best and most eventful of my life.
Anyway this post could be the last “good usa/bad usa” post I do. I will however find a way to keep the blog alive. I’ll let you know when I figure out what to write about.

When I started writing this blog I also started keeping a list of random ideas I could write about. Obviously a lot of these ideas didn’t make the blog, but I’ll give you some of the topics and my thought about them, and then I’ll end this post by writing a little more about how American girls dress. I think it’s safe to say that my post about this topic was also my most popular post.

The first thing on my list of not published blog ideas is “The way Americans talk”. What is up with the word “like”? Before I came to the states I knew that American girls used this word a lot, but OMG (by the way the OMG is meant as a joke. I don’t get text language) it’s not only the girls that say it all the time. It’s everybody - my professors, grown ups, frats guys.
That being said girls are by far the best when it comes to saying like, when it’s like not necessary.
Anyway I started timing girls I overheard on how fast that could say like 10 times in a conversation. The record so far is 27 seconds. But there was one girl who said like eight times in 13 seconds. That’s really impressive – I mean you guys have the weirdest competitions. Spelling, hot dog eating, probably under water chess or something like that. May I suggest a competition in using unnecessary likes the most times – see the sororities going nuts!!!!

Another idea that never made the cut was the difference between American and Danish relationships. Now this is a huge generalization but as far as I can tell there’s one fundamental difference between Danish and American relationships. In Denmark it’s the girls that wears the pants, while American guys tend to have their girlfriend pretty whipped.
I would love to see what would happen if a Danish girl dated an American guy – it would be a bloodbath – fighting all the time.

“Why are you wearing your blue shirt tonight!?! Blue was your ex’s favorite color!!! Do you want to get back together with her!?! Do you hate me?!?! I know you hate me!!! YOU HATE ME!!!”
Now what would happen if a Danish guy dated an American girl? I’ll tell you… nothing! Both would be able to get away with everything.
“Oh you slept with my best friend… 20 times… well that’s what happens. Are we still on for tonight?”

The way American guys dress when they work out. What is up with the tees that are cut very open in the sides. When you do something like that and walk around half naked shouldn’t you be able to back it up? Granted some of the guys are (and they still look like complete idiots), but some guys look like a keg of beer with a way too small towel wrapped around them. Come on guys have a little style!!!

The H1N1 paranoia. Doesn’t anybody wonder why nobody gets a cold anymore? I’ll tell you why: Because everybody gets diagnosed with H1N1. A friend of my got diagnosed with swein flue after having talked to the student health center for five minutes over the phone. I rest my case.

And now the lightning round:

- Americans’ fascination with foreign accents. I don’t know what to say about it other than it’s strange.

- American food vs. Danish food. My God you guys have an unhealthy diet!!
- American beer games (beer pong, Louisville chugger) are way cooler than Danish beer games!!!

- The tons of christmas lights on houses, trees, animals, cars. I'm freaked out and amazed at the same time.

As promised some final words about the way American girls dress. Since my post about this I’ve asked a lot of people for an explanation for the make up and nice hair mixed with the o so awful sweats. The general answer seems to be that it’s a way of making it look like you are beautiful even though you don’t care what you wear. Well if that’s the case the sweat wearing sorority girls are dumber than I thought. I mean when did it become attractive to date a girl that doesn’t care about her clothes.
“My girlfriend is so cool, she wears her pyjamas to school.” Well, you can keep her.
And what is up with those boots that looks like an unfortunate mix between slippers and moon boots. You know which ones I’m talking about, right!? It’s the ones that you can hear from a mile away, because the girls that wear them apparently have lost the ability to lift their feet.
One last thing - girls that wear shorts outside when it’s 25 degrease (minus four degrease celsius)… well I guess there was nothing more I needed to add to that sentence.

As I said this could be my last post about crazy Americans, but I’ll return with a new theme. Let me know if you have any ideas.

In America size is all that matters

It’s funny how we in Europe think of America as a country where everything is bigger. Then you come to America and the Americans think of Texas as the state where everything is bigger. If that’s true, I want to go to Texas. Because how is that possible?!?! I spend my first weeks in American constantly taking pictures of huge cars, huge buildings, huge people.
I’ve been to a lot of big European cities – London, Barcelona, Rome, Copenhagen - but I’ve never seen building that size-wise were remotely close to the skyscrapers of New York or Chicago. It’s really impressive. Even a city like St. Louis that is not considered a major city in American terms has buildings taller than any European cities I’ve been to.

But I don’t want to focus on buildings. The cars in America are what really impress me. Every American that is not a flaming liberal owns a SUV, truck or at least a minivan. What I don’t get is what Americans need these gigantic cars for. If you have two kids in America, you have to have a minivan, there’s really no other option. When I was 14, I had three younger siblings and my dad really had a hard time finding a car that would fit us all, he never came close to buying a minivan. So we ended up with this Mazda station car (which I destroyed five years later) that had an extra seat in the back facing backwards. It was always funny to see people waving to us when passing us on the highway because one of my younger brothers had been waving to them (not so funny a couple of years later when they learned to flip the bird).

Anyway my point is that in Denmark people who own a SUV, truck or minivan are usually some kind of craftsman or work for a towing or bus company. In America everybody from lawyers to teenage girls drive SUVs. I don’t think they need a lot of room for briefcases or make up. I have a hard time making sense of it. But it scares me to see a 16 year-old girl driving a SUV while texting her friends about the cute guy she almost made out with last night. SUVs and 5 feet nothing teenage girls simply don’t mix if you ask me. I suggest a law concerning this phenomenon.

I guess this is just another area where Europeans and Americans are really different. The differences were made really clear to me when I stayed in Tennessee for a couple of days earlier this year. I talked with a really nice cap driver. He had just been to London and was really surprised that the cars were so small. I tried to explain that it doesn’t really make sense to own a huge and not very fuel efficient SUV when you live in a city with 12 million people and parking is a bitch. I don’t know if he bought my argument or just thought of me as a crazy foreigner, probably the latter.

It’s not that I don’t like big trucks. I actually think they are very cool, which make me wonder if Denmark would be packed with SUVs, had we just had the same low gas prices as in America. But when you pay 8 dollar per gallon it just makes sense to have a car that runs 50 miles per gallon.

Another successful drunk drive by…

My previous posts have been written from a humorous perspective. And I will try to make this post as funny as I can, but it’s hard because this topic is pretty serious and I really hope that the Americans who read it will take it to heart.

Drunk driving. What the hell is up with that?! Before I came to the states I’d never been in a car with a drunk driver (not to my knowledge anyway) over here people drive drunk more than sober it seems
The cultural differences on this matter are as huge as the ocean that separates us. The difference is made very obvious by the commercials concerning the topic. In Denmark the campaigns concerning drunk driving are always about the risk of killing innocent people. In the states they are about the risk of getting caught. There’s this dumb commercial where these drivers get pulled over. When they open their window beer starts pouring out and a voice says: You will get caught! Yeah maybe, but what if I don’t? Does it make it all right for me to risk the lives of the people in the car and on the streets?
Drunk driving is just not something you do in Denmark. In the states it’s just not something you get caught doing, but even if you do the punishment for doing so is like a slap on the wrist.

My first experience with Americans and drunk driving was shortly after I arrived in the states. I visited an American friend and right away we got in to our old habit of playing all kinds of drinking games. After an hour we were about to run out of beer. I was panicking because this was really a fun party and nobody was able to drive to the store and pick up some more alcohol. Well that’s what I thought anyway. Shortly after a dude gets up and walks out of the door. He’s going to get some more beer my friend tells me. Realizing that he is going to drive my two Danish friends and me try to stop him, but it seems like a very normal thing for the rest of the party, and who are we as foreigners to change their habits (also we really wanted beer so we didn’t argue as much as we should have).

I thought this was just one crazy guy (who is actually one of the coolest Americans I’ve met and I know he’s probably reading this, so I’m sorry dude), but when I came to Columbia, I realized that drunk driving is a way of life. People do it all the time. A couple of times I’ve been in the car myself. One time after a tailgate, which I believe to be one of the main reasons for drunk driving. Here’s an idea. Leave your car at the parking lot and go get it tomorrow – that’s what we do in Denmark. I don’t think Americans have ever or would ever consider this because that would mean that they had to walk somewhere either to catch a cab or walk all the way home.

Another difference. When somebody in the beginning of an American party says: "All right I’ll be the designated driver tonight." That just means: "I wont have more than 10 beers." In Denmark it means: "I wont touch alcohol period."
Because the real problem isn’t the laws, tailgating or American’s fear of walking. It’s the attitude. In Denmark drunk driving is looked down on. If you do it, you are considered a big loser. In the states people just laugh at it and think you’re cool. I’ve been in a car where the driver ended the trip by raising his arms in victory saying: "Another drunk drive by xxxxx." Well I was in the car and I didn’t stop him, so I’m no better than the rest. But when I return to Denmark, I will be Danish again and I will take his car keys or sit on him before I let him drive.

By the way I haven’t even told the worst drunk driving stories, but you all know who you are.

Football vs. Soccer – not even a contest

This blog post has been on its way for a long time. Actually since before I left Denmark. This is my opportunity to talk about this without having 15 drunken guys screaming at me that I’m a retard. And I will take that opportunity.

So hear is what I have to say about football vs. soccer. In Denmark (and Europe) soccer is the big sport (we call it football. But just so there’s no confusion European football will be called soccer in this post and American football will be called football – I know that my Danish friends is swearing at me right now…). Anyway soccer is the big sport in Denmark and football is a very small sport. Around 3500 Danes play football, whereas there are 313.000 registered soccer players in Denmark. Soccer is shown all the time on television it’s the sport you grow up playing. So you would think that I am a soccer fanatic. Wrong! I love football. It’s my number one sport. This obviously doesn’t go well with my soccer nerdy friends and we often get in to discussions about the two sports.
And yes guys it is strange that it’s called football when the players rarely use their feet. And yes the constant commercial breaks are annoying. But I really don’t care what it’s called. They can call it “throw run and catch ball” for all I care and the breaks are perfect for taking a piss, making nachos or getting more beers.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate soccer, I just prefer football. I would rather watch a preseason NFL game or a high school football game than watch the Champions League Final in soccer. And here is why.
Bottom line: Soccer is boring!

- But Peter you don’t get the beauty of soccer.

I’ve played soccer since I was five (or though you can’t tell) and I’ve been to my share of pro soccer games. And 9 out of 10 times this are what happen: You sit in the stands, usually freezing (because it’s in Denmark). After two hours of defensive playing and a couple of missed scoring chances you get up and leave. Usually the scoreboard says 0 – 0 or maybe 1 – 0 or if you’re really lucky more than one goal has been scored.

- But Peter it’s not about how many goals that are being scored. It’s about the game, the passes, the tactics, and the details.

My point exactly. In no sport are the details of the game and the beauty of tactics more obvious than it is in football. I love that there is such a thing as a playbook in football, I love that the coaches have so big influence on the game that it can actually be won from the sideline.

The beautiful details are in every play of a football game. There are hard hits, interceptions, fumbles, sacks, busted plays that turn in to touchdowns, huge kickoff returns, trick plays. Whereas, I can sit through an entire soccer game without witnessing an impressive play. It all comes down to action. There’s simply more action in a football game. I bet that every one of my soccer nerdy friends would convert if they took the time to learn the tactics and rules of the game.

For more information on why I prefer football se my post about tailgating and hooligan culture in Europe.


P.S. Another thing that really annoys me about soccer are the players. They are the biggest girls both on and of the field. They cry and complain to the ref if somebody touches them. And of the field they are so god damn boring. They always say the same thing, and are so afraid of criticizing the coach or their teammates that they will say positive things about even if they just got their ass kicked. In football the coaches, team owners and PR guys definitely try to control the players, but they can’t. Everyday multiple football players are fined for talking smack about team mates, the coach, the referees and so on. I love that!

A lesson in Denmark

I know that I come from a small country but I’ve had it with people who don’t know where Denmark is and if it’s even a country. So here’s a short lesson in Denmark:
Yes, Denmark is a country. It’s located in the Northern part of Europe in Scandinavia, which also include Norway and Sweden. But these countries aren’t the same country they are three different countries. So Denmark isn’t a city in Sweden nor is it a part of London. Nor are Danes the same as Dutch people. The Dutch are from Holland also known as the Netherlands and Danes are from Denmark. So no, I don’t wear wooden shoes, I don’t smoke pot every day and I don’t live in a windmill – that is all the Dutch!!!

Another thing. Some Americans seem to think that the names they use for European countries or cities are the same names used by the natives. Well they’re not. For example Americans call the Danish capital Copenhagen, when in fact its real name is København. Also Denmark's

real name is Danmark. If we go south Germany is in fact Deutchland and Munich is München. Just so you know.

One more thing that really aggravates me is other nationalities taking credit for Danish inventions. During my stay in the states I’ve been confronted with Norwegians, who took credit for Carlsberg – a Danish beer. Germans who took credit for frikadeller – a Danish type of meatball and

Americans who took credit for Lego.

Here’s a list of things, inventions, brands and persons that are Danish:
- Carlsberg and Tuborg
- Frikadeller
- Morten Andersen - The kicker that holds the record for most points in the NFL
- Lego

- Niels Bohr – The physicist who is partly responsible for the discovery of the atomic model

- The Muhammad drawings

- Hans Christian Andersen - The author who wrote The Ugly Duckling, The Little Mermaid, The Emperor’s New Clothes, The Snow Queen and many other fairytales

- Bang & Olufsen
- Viggo Mortensen - The actor in Lord of the Rings, A History of Violence and Appaloosa (is part Danish)

- Vikings (no not the purple girls from Minnesota)
- Jørn Utzon – The architect that created Sydney Opera House.
- The speaker
- Aqua – The terrible band with the song “Barbie Girl” (the female singer is from Norway)

- Skype
- Lars Ulrich - The drummer in Metallica

And by the way the pastry called “Danish” is not Danish, you can’t buy those things in Denmark.

Guns, canons and deer behind concrete walls

When we foreigners think of America one thing instantly comes to mind. Guns! The liberal gun laws of the states, is one thing that is very different from Denmark. The only people I know back home who own guns are hunters. Over here everybody own a gun if not more.
Early in my stay I was driving with a new American friend and we started talking about this. I told him I’d never held a handgun before. Two seconds later I had one in my hands. He had it in his truck at any time.
In Denmark guns are kept locked away behind a steal door and Americans keep their guns in their glove compartment... alrighty...

Later I had another discussion with another American. He told me that he owned a couple of guns. I asked if he was a hunter. He was not. My obvious question: “So why do you need guns?” The answer: “To protect myself if I get robed” All right I don’t believe in killing anybody not even if they are going to take my empty wallet. But instead of going in to that part of the discussion I asked what kind of guns he owned. “I have a sniper riffle. It’s so cool, it’s can shoot through a bulletproof west”.

Hold on one second. How the h… is that going to help you against an assault.
“Oh excuse me Mr. burglar but could you run 1000 yards away you’re way too close for my scope… no no you can keep your bullet proof west on.”
You’re not in the army and you’re not a member of a swat team. Then why do you need a sniper riffle that can shoot through a city block?

Anyway I’m still a guy and obviously I asked my friends if they would take me shooting some day. So a couple of weeks ago while my girlfriend was visiting they took us shooting. Now if there’s one thing Americans know, and Danes definitely don’t know it’s guns. So they instructed us (and were very good at it, I might add).
These guys owned more guns than the Danish army and soon we were firing away like Bonnie and Clyde.
We started with the small guns and worked our way up. A couple of hours later they brought out the big gun – a 50 caliber. This gun was huge!!! I watched when they shot it and I was terrified. But my girlfriend was watching so I didn’t have a choice… I had to shoot it. My hands were shaking when I was handed the gun. As I sat down with it I did a silent prayer and then pulled the trigger. The kick felt like being run over by a medium size train.
Still in a state of chock I ask the owner of this canon what he intends to use it for.
“I only bought it to stop cars coming up my driveway.” Yes I laughed too, but guess what, he wasn’t joking. Apparently he thinks that America will experience a revolution soon… Well if the revolution comes, I know which driveway to stay away from.

The second amendment of the Constitutions, which gives the American people the right to arm themselves, says:
“A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed”.
Now my English isn’t perfect especially not when it comes to this old stuff. But judging from my experience so far, I guess what it means is:
“Buy all the guns you can afford – the bigger the better!!!”

I admit it, I think it’s fun to shoot. I think what really annoys me is that Americans always have an explanation for why they need these huge guns. In case of a revolution or if I get assaulted or for hunting whales in Missouri or maybe a deer hides behind a concrete wall… or maybe you just like things that go BOOM…

America you’re a party tease

Okay America. We need to have a talk because I’m getting a little aggravated with you and all your laws made for the sole purpose of spoiling my fun. An example:

It’s Homecoming weekend a tradition I don’t know but what is there to know really. Parade. Drinking. Football. Drinking… Count me in. So we get the parade over with, we start the drinking. We get the football game (which we do not speak of) over with and the drinking continues. The atmosphere is great. Former students have come home to party like they used to… and they do. We finish our after tailgate and decide to go out. We hit a bar around midnight. This is awesome. The bar is packed. The party is about to peak. I’m happy, dancing, singing, and shouting having a great time. Then at 00.45 the bartenders turn on the lights and turn off the music. Last call!!! Yeah like that’s possible - the line to the bar is longer than the Rams’ loosing streak. 15 minutes later the party is over and with an angry bartender chasing me off I leave the bar.

Another example:
I’m partying in St. Louis. Now this is a bigger city so get this, the bars stay open until amazingly 3 o’clock. WOW! But two hours later the story repeats itself. The light is turned on and music turned off. A bouncer yells to the billion people on the dance floor to leave. Outside another bouncer yanks my half full beer out of my hand and throws it out.
At first I get pissed off and then I remember - You can’t drink in public in the states.

What the F... America you act like you really want me to have fun, you make me drink with your low prices, you seduce me with your big noisy bars and then when I’m all excited and ready to give in to you, you turn on the lights and throw me out and you won’t even let me finish by myself in the street. America you are the biggest party tease ever.

Denmark I don’t miss paying a million for a beer. I don’t miss paying cover charges to take a piss. But man do I miss your opening hours. Denmark you know how to party… you go all the way every time. I’ll be home in 55 days and we’re going to spend all night together without interruptions from annoying bartenders yelling at me that I have to chug my beer and get the f… out!!!

Fan culture: USA 1, Denmark 0

If there’s one thing that is definitely different in the states compared to Denmark or Europe for that matter it’s going to a sport event. First of all there’s no tailgating in Europe. People don’t meet in front of the stadium 11 hours before the game and eat and drink themselves in to a coma… which is too bad. But I don’t want to write about tailgating even though it’s one thing us Europeans could really learn from, because there’s another thing I would like us to learn even more.

One day back in 1997 when I was 15 years old I found myself running down a street with four soccer hooligans chasing me. I had just been to a soccer match, my team had destroyed the opponents 4 – 0 and now I paid the price running for my life away from four fat, bald, tattooed hooligans. Luckily I got away from them without getting my face smashed in. Now this was in Denmark, hooliganism isn’t too bad compared to England, Germany or Italy, but still you don’t want to piss off the wrong people.

Now let me skip forward 11 years. I’m walking in to Lambeau Field in Green Bay, Wisconsin. I’ve traveled from Denmark with two friends to watch my team the Packers play their biggest rival Chicago Bears. To Danes that don’t know it this (American) football rivalry can be compared to Barcelona against Real Madrid or Celtic – Rangers in Scotland. With a million stories about how European hooligans in these rivalries literally murder each other I find my seat in the stands. To my horror I realize that I’m sitting next to a huge guy wearing a Bears jersey. Holy shit I’m screwed is my first thought, but before I can scream like a girl this huge guy reaches out… and shakes my hand while wishing me a good game. Something’s wrong I think. Is he going to stab me in the back or strangle me when I turn around? Well he doesn’t. Later in the game when the Bears are down by a million points the Packers fans around us starts giving him a little shit, but instead of pushing him down and kicking him in the head like any European soccer fan would do, they finish the teasing by giving him a hug.

Since the Packers game I’ve been to most the college football games that Missouri Tigers have played this season and I’ve gotten used to this mutual respect between fans of opposite teams. I’ve had my picture taken with an Illinois fan, I’ve talked friendly with a couple of Nebraska fans and I beet I wont get in a fight when we play Kansas later this year. I just pray to God that I don’t take this behavior with me back to Denmark, because asking a fan of an opposite team if I can get a picture taken with him might be the end of me… I’m not kidding.

I say GOOD USA, BAD Denmark!!!!

The way American girls dress

The first question you get from Americans when they find out that you are a foreigner is: “So how do you like the states?” The answer is easy. “I love it here”, “I like it so far” or “This place rocks” are all very good answers. Answering the next question is much harder. “So what surprised you the most about the states?”

The most? I have no idea. The giant cars – no. The food – no. The trillion McDonalds – no. I watch TV, I knew all those things.

But one thing actually has surprised me. No let me rephrase that. One thing has chocked, scared and horrified me… the way girls dress on campus.

I guess what happens is that American girls get up in the morning. They shower. They dry their hair. They do their hair. They sprinkle perfume all over themselves. They use an hour putting on make up… and then they put on sweats?!? That is like having to go really bad for an hour without being near a restroom, and then when you’re a feet from the toilet you piss your pants or like buying the world’s coolest Ferrari… in brown. Why would you do that? There’s no good reason whatsoever.

I never knew that it was something to be appreciative for, but in Denmark girls dress up when they go to school. I always took it for granted, but let me use this opportunity to thank Danish girls for dressing up so I don’t have to see them in sweats, slippers or something like that.

I’ve been dating a Danish girl for 8 months. There are a few things you don’t do in the beginning of the relationship. You don’t fart (which can be a challenge for me not to do), you don’t tell her she’s fat (well you never tell her that) and you don’t wear sweats in front of her and neither does she. Sweats are allowed three or four months into the relationship on Sundays when you’re behind closed doors. Not on campus for the world to see.

Now I’m not saying that American girls should start dressing up for school as if they were going to prom. Jeans or a simple dress or skirt is fine, and to be fair a lot of American girls do dress properly – and thank you for that. It’s the last say 40 per cent I’m talking to.

There’s another big problem with girls dressing in sweats. It throws clueless guys (like me) off.

I had just spend my first week of school in sweat pants / shorts hell (shorts are sweats pants evil sister when it’s hot) and was ready for my first night on the town. I figured that I shouldn’t dress up, because that’s the American way. So I went to a bar wearing what I usually wear in school, and I find myself surrounded by cocktail dresses, high heals and well A LOT of mini skirts (the mini skirts I’m fine with – they aren’t exactly classic but the students here are around 20 and let’s face it, girls that age dresses slutty when they go out). I was with two other Danes that night, and we all looked like complete idiots because we figured that people don’t dress up when they go out, because they don’t in School. The problem is that there’s too far from the levels of dressing. In Denmark it’s more like a straight line. Of course you dress up a little nicer when you go out than on the week days, but in America the line has waves so big they’ll throw of any clueless foreigner.

After three months here I’ve figured the system out. But I still don’t get why girls want to piss their pants just before the goal line or why they want their Ferrari to be brown – anyone got an answer?

I say BAD USA!!!